Monday, December 17, 2018

"Home Sweet Home"

"Home Sweet Home"- I have struggled with this phrase for a solid 10 years.
Whatever the season, I’ve always had a general feeling of “this is not really my home,” 
or “this is just temporary," but after a whirlwind of a weekend spent moving, downsizing, unpacking, and settling in to my small garage apartment, I’m finally pausing to process the words that are printed on the doormat that was left outside my new dwelling place. I’ve already walked across those words too many times to count, trying to ignore how irritating, uncomfortable, and untrue they feel. Home Sweet Home. After much denial, I feel in my heart that it’s time to deal with those words and what they mean for me. 
Maybe someone else needs to deal with what they mean for them as well. 
Who knows?!?

Here’s me diving in. 
I guess I’ve been feeling like I can’t really have a real “home,” and like I haven't been given permission 
to have a “sweet” one. 

Why do I feel like I’m disqualified from the warm wishes of a doormat?

I think the answer lies in the lies that I’ve allowed myself to believe for so many years. Somewhere along the way, I bought the lie that you can only have a sense of “home” if you have a family that you come home to everyday. The lie that plays on repeat is: “If you’re almost 30 and single, you can’t possibly experience the sweetness of home, so just keep on feeling disconnected and unrooted until you’re in a more complete season of life. It’s not worth it to simply embrace where you’re at and make good use of your time there.” 

What crap! Life is happening right now. I've decided that it's okay to long for the things that I don't have in my life, but it's not okay to count myself out of being joyful where I'm at, being grateful for what I have, and embracing the simple sweetness of things like having a roof over my head and an Opal House pom-pom quilt on my bed. Somewhere along the way, I also bought the lie that:"It’s not "home sweet home" if you rent instead of own the place where you reside."

This idea that “it’s just a rental. It’s temporary” has kept me from allowing myself to enjoy the sweetness of where I am. Who really even cares if you rent, own, live with family, sleep on a friend’s couch, have outdated green carpet, hook up your rv in a different spot each week, or somehow find yourself moving for the 6th time in 10 years!?! 

Another cliche phrase- “Home is where the heart is.” I’m now choosing to buy into that.
I’ve lived in a lot of different places- some with roommates, some on my own, and I’ve spent too long feeling bitter, and less than, and envious of others because their home appeared to be a certain level of homier than mine. With the new year approaching, I’m striving to embrace reality more and more, and by that I mean, the actual reality-- not the one that society and I have created and dug our heels into.

Because the reality is that my outlook on things will either hold me back, push me forward, or make me freeze as I stop and stare in comparison at my neighbors, friends, and family. As I type this in a cozy corner of my new place, I’m reminded of many blessings that I’ve received along the way. I have hardly any memories here yet. I'm not sure how long this will be my home, but it's the same for every living, breathing person on the planet. Our time here is temporary, so for now, I'll choose to really live in my home sweet home.