Monday, March 07, 2022

For Over Two Years Now


I’ve wanted to write something to express my thoughts

for over two years now.

For over two years now,

I can’t fully express how,

but every time I’ve tried,

I’ve either felt too much all at once,

or nothing at all.

Nothing at all; a blank page.

I fail to beautifully articulate the ache and the quiet rage.

But it’s not beautiful, is it?

When a new year starts with a goodbye…

when pandemics and protests arise…

In the disconnect, I start to question,

“Am I actually awake?”

Surely, this is a dream.

Yes, a dream.

Programmed to turn it all off,

that’s how I would operate in the current state.

It’s better to just not show up at all

than to show up late.

It’s kept me afloat

for over two years now.

Yet, amidst small waves

or giant floods of recent days,

I’ve been reminded that

I’ve always felt a full range of emotions.

My trouble comes

when I believe it’s all just a dream.

When I let oceans of emotions leave with the tide,

And I don’t really feel what I feel inside,

I’m a bit displaced.

But, then in friend’s embrace,

in a baby’s laugh,

in an injustice served that strikes a nerve,

I remember what brings me joy.

I remember what hurts.

Memories flood,

chiming in my mind like little alerts

as if to say, “don’t turn this off this time”.

And when I feel it all, I feel most alive.