Rejection of "The Self"

I tried to write my own story:
All the characters defined,
A perfect setting, a happy ending
All wrapped up and tied with a bow.
Isn't that how it's supposed to go?
A life considered marketable-
You can grab one right off the shelf.
Consumers stand in line,
Consumed with "The Self".
All shiny and neat,
just like everyone else,
Why help your neighbor
When you can help yourself?
But, it's so twisted,
The way we think we're so mighty-
Pristine castles, all clean and tidy
Until the tide rushes in and we're exposed
In the ruins of our homes made of sand.
"There's got to be a better way",
We all repeat as we head for drier land.
In the stillness, it hits me,
And my lips can not keep quiet.
His love runs deep and His grace is free.
We never have to buy it.
"There's got to be a better way!"
We say it like we mean it.
For clarity sake,
We're dealing with a monster.
It's the product of the lies we're told.
It's the little girl without a home
And the memory that haunts her.
It's the man who has to always win
Because his reputation is all that matters.
It's you and it's me,
Comparing what we have
As we climb Society's ladders.
It's strange, but I hear the echo now,
As if we've all had time to notice.
And, in my weakness, I cry out
"You are The One. You are The Way.
I'm the one in the way.
You are The One. You are The Way.
I'm the one in the way."
I kept my receipt.
I hope you'll let me return it.
"The Self" is a beast.
I'd rather live for The King.

AEJ 10/5/14

Far From Lackluster

Sometimes it takes some space
to see the worth in the mundane:
the seemingly lackluster
day to day deeds that evoke
a cringe, or a moan,
or a desire to be rescued.
Sometimes it takes some space
to evaluate the assessment
of your current state:
the overwhelmingly crippling thought
that your thoughts
have actually been skewed.
A little room to breathe
allows for a fresh assurance that
now is not forever.
Yet, we dig our feet in the ground
and just endure, as if this
is all we've got, and we think
we're so clever when we make excuses
to avoid the acceptance that
our tiny haphazard lives
were actually meant for more.
So, we hit the grind,
full speed ahead,
trying to find some sense of
attachment and worthwhile meaning
for our daily encounters,
but we still miss the point
at the end of the day.
Amongst ideas like
"Follow your passions" or
"Dream big", do we leave room
to simply trust and obey?
Limitations set aside,
can we thoroughly abide?
Could I jump ship,
knowing He will fully equip,
or could I stay the course;
would I stay on task,
if that is what He'd ask?
In the spirit of complexity,
how could I reduce
the one who made the stars
to a list of things
that I would or would not
be willing to try?
Far from lackluster, I can't deny,
yet, present in the mundane,
His plans are perfect.
He will forever reign.

AEJ 7/20/2014

Time Travel

The other day I was pondering the notion of time machines...
Someone's unrealistic devotion to be set into motion to a time other than now,
Begs me to question which tense, in all logical sense, would I prefer my existence?
Would you visit the past if you're still living in it?
Maybe, for the sake of closure and tact,
if you took a trip back, you could tie up some loose ends,
and make some amends.
Then, would you feel content to live in the present?
Presently, the future appears more intriguing.
Yet, how can you know what the future will hold?
Will it be bright and bold filled with all of the things
from all of the dreams you ever had hoped to see through to fruition?
Would you trust your intuition
to abandon the here and now for something not promised?
If life is but a breath, just breathe.
Breathe it all in while the world will still spin,
not trapped in the current because of where you've been,
and not too far ahead that you miss out on your surroundings.
With a cautious heart, hold on to what you know,
but with a fearless soul be ready to let all of that go.
Moments of trouble are great cause for digging in and finding your groundings.
Though, my foot was slipping and I cried out in distress, a hand lifted me up.
Now, I know where I stand.
Within reach of your hand, I live and move and breathe.
Like some great mysterious plan unraveling,
would it be too much of a stretch to accept
that maybe we are all made for far more than time traveling?

AEJ


Psalm 94:18, Acts 17:28, Hebrews 13:14

As Busy As You Choose To Be

You're as busy as you choose to be;
You're as free as you'll allow,
pleading to buy more time,
when the time is now.
Isn't it strange the way things change
when you see the grand scheme of it all?
Just as shadows prove there is still some light,
when your world goes dark,
do you have someone to call?
Have you burnt the last bridge?
Is this the last straw?
Your insecurity is bred by the lies your fed.
I'm as confident as the truth
that all of your strife and busyness
is just a sugar-coated "eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth."
Soon, you'll learn the significance and the peace of letting go,
and then you'll recognize the need to be more aware.
Someone else's world is crashing down,
will you be the one to care?
Remove self-doubt. Remove the need to control.
Time is of the essence when you see the kingdom here and now.
Here, in every heartbeat, in those who express a need,
and in those who don't know how.
I can feel it in my soul.
I can sense it in the eyes I've seen
as I look around.
If desperation had a face,
we would meet it anywhere we turn.
If we would return to grace,
then, how quickly we might learn!
You're as busy as you choose to be;
You're as free as you'll allow.

AEJ 5/1/2014

Never Forsaken

He said, "never forsaken"
and, yet, I've taken
for granted
the very things that He has handed me.
Single-handedly,
reaching for more of whatever I can get a hold of.
Hoping to breathe a little easier,
but are these walls closing in now?
Isn't it funny how
it seems a boulder sits upon my chest
as I recall saying, "I'll do my best."
Such a struggle to catch my breath,
and somewhere beneath the weight, I gasp.
Collapsing lungs, He knew the full extent.
Equal status with the Father,
yet He considered that not something to grasp.
He said, "never forsaken",
and I disregard how he became nothing for me.
What a notion! What complete devotion!
Another breath is granted,
and I can feel the load begin to break.
Breathing again, it becomes clear
what is meant by His kingdom;
by His kingdom here in this place.
Letting loose of clenched fists,
hearts awaken to give instead of take.
He said "never forsaken".

AEJ 03/23/2014

As I Am

Quick to speak; quick to throw out my opinion

on matters of life and strife and someone else’s hurting.

Flirting with the idea that what’s good for some

may not be good for all,

but all we really want is to feel set free from something.

Dodging the bullet by dancing around the truth,

pushing the limits, as shouts of “YOLO!” ring out from our youth.

A resounding theme of “If I do this, life will be grand”,

but before you start, look at your heart.

Crazed from getting from point A to B, looking the part,

accepting what we’ve been taught along the way,

are we numb to the pain?

Do we even realize that we’ve been shot?

Call a doctor! Some solid advice,

considering we’ve all got some problems,

which makes me stop and consider

that maybe the advice that I pride myself in dishing out

could be reserved and better served

up on a platter for my own good and benefit.

Then, again, what’s the use of it

if I turn away like nothing was said.

Deaf ears need more than moving lips.

Show me a passion

and a reaction that would move a mountain

and stir up a fire so bright.

Hues of orange, yellow, and red would ignite

and fill the sky.

But, if it takes heat to start a fire,

better bring some blankets.

Frankly, it’s so cold in my heart,

how could a fire start unless you break through and break it?

Tell me, does that sound about right?

Then, I’d step back and watch you move

as this stone begins to crumble

and this charade gets put on blast, as you take me as I am.

I’ll stand amazed by your willingness to overcome my foolishness

as I question why you even care.

All the while, you give reason to rejoice as I lift my weary voice,

And if this is my cross to bear, may I carry it with honor,

For your glory goes ahead of me and guides each step I take.

Teach me Lord, for your sake, to have some wisdom and some tact

as this world tries to beat me down and reminds me of all I lack.

I’m enough, because you’re more than enough, oh, teach me to repeat it.

Your ways are above my ways. You’re the freedom that I needed.

AEJ

Walls Will Fall

Walls will fall like Jericho,
a great crash and crumble,
as eyes glance upward and the proud turn humble.
Marching to the beat of a new drum,
shouts ring out in a glorious display of new found freedom.
"It is well" when the walls fall.
"It is well" is the phone call
that you put off, because you failed to let anyone in sooner...
or later...you find that you will overcome
despite the odds and the lies spit out by some.
Walls will fall like a demolition
when you stop and re-evaluate the weight of your mission
and control your ambition to be so important.
You might find that you're actually the prisoner,
instead of the warden, and as you cling to bars of iron,
you realize that your walls have you trapped.
This is not a game of cat and mouse,
it's the breaking of a new dawn.
It's the collapse of an old dilapidated house.
Windows shattered, a structure undone.
A cloud of dust settles, overshadowed by the morning sun.
Keep your head on a swivel. Always be looking out.
Meanwhile, the crowd will scream "Live a little!"
as they taunt and push you about.
Walls will fall all around you.
If you endure, you just might see it.
A glimpse of hope is all that's needed,
and to someone you just might be it.

AEJ  11/03/13

Some Things Are Borrowed and Some Things Are Bought

Borrowed words and borrowed thoughts to express the way you feel
only leave you borrowing time as you question what is real.

In all sincerity, would you rather seek and find
or accept the things you hear?
In a world where contradiction runs rampant,
can we hold our own,
or do we cower in fear of future freedoms to live as we please,
or to please who we live for?
Striving for simplicity, we complicate and miss the tasks:
seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with Him...
Is it too much too ask of us, made in His image,
while building up an image of ourselves in an effort to be different,
while we look just  like everyone else? 

And, in our tireless efforts to walk a certain road,
then, You will remind us we're not equipped to carry such a load.
Remove my blinders, and make swift my tied up feet,
so that I can see the reality of your presence and no longer claim defeat.
Some things are borrowed and some things are bought.
Sweet victory!
We are purchased and made new by the one who knows our every thought.

AEJ 09/07/2013

Resilience

It's the natural inclination of a weak and wounded nation
to put up a fight when the present times seem pressing
and the very thing worth fighting for is what keeps us up at night.
It's the beckoning call to withdraw hasty interpretations
of the reality that exists when we take off our blinders
and see that we're all just broken people,
bandaging up bloodied fists
after our livelihood is threatened
in this world of chaos and competition.
If "the buck stops here", why do we pass the blame, feel the shame,
and minimize the urgency of the things that matter most?
Who's in charge, anyway? Is this your party? Are you the host?
A balancing act between maintaining composure and saving face,
exhausting all efforts to earn acceptance,
never mind that we're covered by saving grace.
If our ability for resiliency is something to be spoken for,
historically, the banner yet waves,
overcoming and striving for more.
It's the natural inclination of a soul
that's crying out to put up a fight
when reminded of past victories and the fuel
that launched them into flight.
It's the beauty and the brilliance of the strength
to stand back up,
and the smile that returns when you can say,
"joy overflows my cup".


AEJ

Wendel Walks

A man that lives down the road from my apartment had a stroke several months ago.
His name is Wendel, and he's a story of hope.
Over the last few months, Wendel has been learning to walk again.
First, with the help of a therapist and a walker.  He would take the steps from his front porch to about halfway down his driveway, where he could at least feel the cool evening breeze and catch a glimpse of the magnolia tree in bloom. A few weeks later, Wendel was making the walk from his porch to his mailbox at the end of his driveway, still with the help of his therapist, but what an exciting accomplishment!
About a month ago, I turned onto my street after a crazy day at work to find a lady in bright pink scrubs and Wendel pushing his walker, slowly, but surely, right in front of my apartment complex. My heart was thrilled for him.

A couple weeks ago, I drove around the block near my apartment, where I found Wendel taking one step at a time, holding on to that walker, by himself.
No therapist holding him at the waist; nobody coaching him along....just Wendel and his walker.
Today, I was standing at my door trying to decide if it was jeans or shorts weather. I glanced across the street, and saw Wendel rounding the corner by himself with a cane in his right hand.  Slowly, but surely, he walks every day- training his mind, and training his legs to do the things that they did for years and years until the stroke.

When I think about Wendel, I can't help but think how frustrating that would be, but I'm also reminded about how Christ gives us the chance to start over in many different ways. Ultimately, he provides the chance to trade a broken, destined-for-hell life, for a complete and eternally awesome one. He also takes specific situations, past mistakes, and past disasters and offers a fresh start.

It's not all fresh evening breezes and blooming magnolia trees, though.

When I watch Wendel struggle with each step he takes, I wonder if he ever feels like giving up on it all.
I wonder if he recalls the days when he could walk to his mailbox without giving much thought to it; without having to focus so intently on getting his right leg to bend at the knee.
The encouraging thing about Wendel is that even through the struggle, he remains focused and disciplined.
It reminds me of what Paul says in Philippians 3.

 ^"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Now, I don't know where Wendel stands in a spiritual sense, but I can see in his eyes a sense of awareness that says "I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way." In these verses, Paul is now speaking with a perspective of faith in Christ, instead of his former perspective of upholding his status and the credentials that made him a leader in the Jewish religion. He sees a clear picture of his future, regardless of the past, and regardless of how bad things may get for him in the future. This idea of "pressing on" implies that there will be pressure, and we're all familiar with the pressures of life. We're bombarded daily by stress, pressure, disappointments, and pain. 

When I see Wendel, I can almost hear him say "I will press on. I will press on." 

What a challenge and encouragement he provides!

Relevance

More relevant than the elephant in the room,
is the burning desire to set a holy fire
in the hearts that don't know
 that they beat for something better
than the lofty ambitions and plans that self-consume.
Yet, stifled by pride, or the plank in my eye,
I hold that hope captive.
Instead of taking captive every thought
to point a world to the One who's blood has bought
my life and my salvation,
it seems, I'm plagued with hesitation.
You quench my thirst
and I quench the spirit,
as I struggle to reciprocate the love that You lavish.
If reassurance is what I'm after,
remind me how You turn sorrow into laughter.
Show me that Your discipline is for my good,
and stir up a passion within me to treat the world
the way You would--
with relevance.


AEJ 4/15/2013

LOVE

Wrapped up in a banner of it;
overwhelmed by the manner of it,
as it ignites a flame, and I'm put to shame
when I see how I resist the name
of the one who brings the very thing I'm chasing.
Racing the clock,
instead of clinging to the Rock of Ages,
I falter and fail to remember
that mountains may shift and hills may shake,
but nothing will take, nothing can eradicate
the love that You have granted;
your mercies won't allow it.
Yet, somehow, it
demands my attention,
when it becomes clear that this life is
more of an honorable mention
when compared with Your love that surpasses
every thought that we take captive.
I try not to be too adaptive
 in this land where hearts get robbed
over a short lived emotion.
Instead, I consider Your devotion as I recall
You've counted every hair on my head.

AEJ 12:10AM

Grace For The Rebel Heart

A heart of rebellion,
you can never really tell when
the motives will switch.
A heart to please, or the plea of a heart to be filled?
This is not some glitch to be smoothed out,
it's the product of jaded desires and self doubt.
Clarity, oh, to see things the way You see
with a vision that brings a vision of change,
though, the destination seems far out of range.
You fix the focus and direct the steps of the runaway.
Rerouting rebellion; it's a novel notion but such devotion
would make a freed felon want to stay.
...and that's the beauty of grace.

AEJ

Call It

Call it a misappropriation of appropriate behavior.
Call it what you want.
I'm just calling on a Savior.
Call it a conflict of interest-
handing out smiles just to check it off a good deeds list,
but You see right through this.
Call it living on a mission to get God's attention
when all He really wants is to capture yours.
Call it a pride thing
when you walk the same halls, oblivious to all the open doors.
Like a game of cat and mouse,
you pursue what you want,
and sometimes all you want is a way out.
"Out of sight, out of mind",
but with this kind of view, we can forget
"seek and you will find".
Call it a resolution
when you seek to make a change,
and call it dissapointment when our goals are in sight
but out of range.
Call it giving up control or going out on a limb.
Call it what you want, but to be clear-
He calls me to call on Him.

AEJ 1/6/2013

Spark

Without haste we waste the time,

Guilty- charged with the crime of negligence,

while hiding behind an aura of self defense-

Defending the pride that we’ve built inside,

I plead the fifth and just roll with the tide.

My mistake, but I won’t admit-

too headstrong to submit,

we find ourselves stretched with one arm reaching out

and a hand opened wide, anxious to receive,

while the other is behind our back,

a fist clenched tightly to what we need, or so we perceive.

“Lose it all for me. Do away with it completely”

and what seems right to us will cause a fuss

when we clearly see that we find our lives when we lay them down.

It’s a backwards notion, in a world of forward motion and rising to the top.

See how we all freak out when a soul kneels down and breaks an alabaster box;

so concerned with the mess, we shout, “Someone grab a mop!”

Do we miss the point? Have we missed the mark?

A fire in the night can light a path. 

All it takes is single spark. 

AEJ 

12/11/2012

Enter His Gates

"Enter His gates...", but what can I bring?
What kind of thanks is fit for a king?
Should I bring a song, originally composed,
Or just sing a few hymns that everyone knows?
When my propensity to bring You praise
is likened to an awkward first date--
making small talk just to kill the silence,
and you can feel the violence
of a sea of empty words and an empty phrase,
would it be enough if I just stand amazed?
When I fumble for the words to attribute to your might,
a simple "Thank you" is on my lips,
and although it seems light,
I'm like a kid preparing a Christmas Wish List--
the list is extensive and long
as I count all the times you've been my strength and my song.


"Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name."
Psalm 100:1-4

"The Lord is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation.

The sound of joyful shouting and salvation is in the tents of the righteous;
The right hand of the Lord does valiantly.

The right hand of the Lord is exalted;
The right hand of the Lord does valiantly.
 I will not die, but live,
And tell of the works of the Lord.
The Lord has disciplined me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.

 Open to me the gates of righteousness;
I shall enter through them, I shall give thanks to the Lord.
This is the gate of the Lord;
The righteous will enter through it.
I shall give thanks to You, for You have answered me,
And You have become my salvation."
Psalm 118:14-21


AEJ 11/19/2012 10:35AM

Not On My Own

Keep going. Time is of the essence

in a world where we chase after the need to prove our own existence.

And I want to, but it just feels like there is nothing left.

I try, but I just come up short of breath.

Living and striving, plagued with the thoughts,

“I can’t do this…on my own.”

It’s the start of surrender.

It’s the heart of the pretender giving up the act.

Finding the irony in the fact

that through submission, there is freedom abounding.

It may look a little different, but it’s truly quite astounding

how walls can come down in this mansion that I built

to hide my shame and guilt, and when my mind begins to change,

 then my actions rearrange to form a better pattern-

one that refuses to be conformed by the things that catch my eye.

And after all I've gained and lost,

the beauty comes when we begin to realize

that in the end, it's so much more than a chasing after the wind.

Keep going.

Living, striving, and counting it all loss

for the sake of the cross.

 

AEJ 3:20pm 10/21/2012

Strength Enough

Strength enough to move the mountains,
the ones that impose and crowd my space.
Strength enough to pull me up out of this pit,
where I lie flat on my face.
Pulling me up, lifting my head to see
that this life has more to offer than the fears and struggles
that have seemingly overtaken me.
Strength enough to overcome a world consumed with itself,
pouring out grace to a people concerned with their status and wealth.
Strength enough to consider my brokeness and teach me to trust in Your plan,
because it's better to take refuge in You than to trust in any man.
Strength enough to keep fighting for me when I seem to just give up and hide,
upholding me with a righteous right hand and drawing me closer to Your side.
Enough of You is my source of strength when times are tough,
And Jesus, You are strength enough.

Out of the overflow..

Out of the overflow of what lies within,
there is goodness and badness.
A conflict of interest, leading to madness,
and then the lies begin.
A simple "you're not good enough", or "you don't matter",
and what you hear takes root; you feel your heart begin to shatter.
Try to hold it together, as you're coming apart,
And now bitterness and envy,
 rage and frustration rise to the surface.
...it's the overflow of the heart.
It's the struggle between the temporary and what will really matter.
If my conversations are derived from what's inside my heart,
am I really making sense,
Or am I just engaged in useless chatter?


AEJ 9/5/2012

In Hindsight

Beyond the endless chatter,

Beyond what seems to matter,

Much further than the here and now

And what should be,

And what simply is not,

There’s a stillness that comes over me, slowing me,

Pausing every “what if”, halting every thought.

Every thought that swirls around,

A collision of the older ones colliding with the illumination of newer thoughts

And the outcomes are brought to light with this new vision of hindsight.

Yet, what does that change?

 If I lose a nickel in the day, how can I find it in the night?

I might crawl on hands and knees, eyes opened wide,

Never seeing the coin in the dark of the night.

Then, the very next day, with the sun shining bright,

I might look in the same place and not be so surprised

To find that same nickel, illuminated,

Reflecting the glow of the sun’s brilliant light.

Oh, but I consider it a joy, in hindsight,

to reflect upon what has brought me here today.

Every struggle, every path, even the ones that led astray,

Have shown me that I must not trust in my own intended plan.

Oh, sweet hindsight, what a teacher you can be!

But, foresight, perfect foresight of God quells the thoughts of any man.

AEJ

7/8/2012

11:38 pm