Wendel Walks

A man that lives down the road from my apartment had a stroke several months ago.
His name is Wendel, and he's a story of hope.
Over the last few months, Wendel has been learning to walk again.
First, with the help of a therapist and a walker.  He would take the steps from his front porch to about halfway down his driveway, where he could at least feel the cool evening breeze and catch a glimpse of the magnolia tree in bloom. A few weeks later, Wendel was making the walk from his porch to his mailbox at the end of his driveway, still with the help of his therapist, but what an exciting accomplishment!
About a month ago, I turned onto my street after a crazy day at work to find a lady in bright pink scrubs and Wendel pushing his walker, slowly, but surely, right in front of my apartment complex. My heart was thrilled for him.

A couple weeks ago, I drove around the block near my apartment, where I found Wendel taking one step at a time, holding on to that walker, by himself.
No therapist holding him at the waist; nobody coaching him along....just Wendel and his walker.
Today, I was standing at my door trying to decide if it was jeans or shorts weather. I glanced across the street, and saw Wendel rounding the corner by himself with a cane in his right hand.  Slowly, but surely, he walks every day- training his mind, and training his legs to do the things that they did for years and years until the stroke.

When I think about Wendel, I can't help but think how frustrating that would be, but I'm also reminded about how Christ gives us the chance to start over in many different ways. Ultimately, he provides the chance to trade a broken, destined-for-hell life, for a complete and eternally awesome one. He also takes specific situations, past mistakes, and past disasters and offers a fresh start.

It's not all fresh evening breezes and blooming magnolia trees, though.

When I watch Wendel struggle with each step he takes, I wonder if he ever feels like giving up on it all.
I wonder if he recalls the days when he could walk to his mailbox without giving much thought to it; without having to focus so intently on getting his right leg to bend at the knee.
The encouraging thing about Wendel is that even through the struggle, he remains focused and disciplined.
It reminds me of what Paul says in Philippians 3.

 ^"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Now, I don't know where Wendel stands in a spiritual sense, but I can see in his eyes a sense of awareness that says "I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way." In these verses, Paul is now speaking with a perspective of faith in Christ, instead of his former perspective of upholding his status and the credentials that made him a leader in the Jewish religion. He sees a clear picture of his future, regardless of the past, and regardless of how bad things may get for him in the future. This idea of "pressing on" implies that there will be pressure, and we're all familiar with the pressures of life. We're bombarded daily by stress, pressure, disappointments, and pain. 

When I see Wendel, I can almost hear him say "I will press on. I will press on." 

What a challenge and encouragement he provides!

Relevance

More relevant than the elephant in the room,
is the burning desire to set a holy fire
in the hearts that don't know
 that they beat for something better
than the lofty ambitions and plans that self-consume.
Yet, stifled by pride, or the plank in my eye,
I hold that hope captive.
Instead of taking captive every thought
to point a world to the One who's blood has bought
my life and my salvation,
it seems, I'm plagued with hesitation.
You quench my thirst
and I quench the spirit,
as I struggle to reciprocate the love that You lavish.
If reassurance is what I'm after,
remind me how You turn sorrow into laughter.
Show me that Your discipline is for my good,
and stir up a passion within me to treat the world
the way You would--
with relevance.


AEJ 4/15/2013

LOVE

Wrapped up in a banner of it;
overwhelmed by the manner of it,
as it ignites a flame, and I'm put to shame
when I see how I resist the name
of the one who brings the very thing I'm chasing.
Racing the clock,
instead of clinging to the Rock of Ages,
I falter and fail to remember
that mountains may shift and hills may shake,
but nothing will take, nothing can eradicate
the love that You have granted;
your mercies won't allow it.
Yet, somehow, it
demands my attention,
when it becomes clear that this life is
more of an honorable mention
when compared with Your love that surpasses
every thought that we take captive.
I try not to be too adaptive
 in this land where hearts get robbed
over a short lived emotion.
Instead, I consider Your devotion as I recall
You've counted every hair on my head.

AEJ 12:10AM

Grace For The Rebel Heart

A heart of rebellion,
you can never really tell when
the motives will switch.
A heart to please, or the plea of a heart to be filled?
This is not some glitch to be smoothed out,
it's the product of jaded desires and self doubt.
Clarity, oh, to see things the way You see
with a vision that brings a vision of change,
though, the destination seems far out of range.
You fix the focus and direct the steps of the runaway.
Rerouting rebellion; it's a novel notion but such devotion
would make a freed felon want to stay.
...and that's the beauty of grace.

AEJ

Call It

Call it a misappropriation of appropriate behavior.
Call it what you want.
I'm just calling on a Savior.
Call it a conflict of interest-
handing out smiles just to check it off a good deeds list,
but You see right through this.
Call it living on a mission to get God's attention
when all He really wants is to capture yours.
Call it a pride thing
when you walk the same halls, oblivious to all the open doors.
Like a game of cat and mouse,
you pursue what you want,
and sometimes all you want is a way out.
"Out of sight, out of mind",
but with this kind of view, we can forget
"seek and you will find".
Call it a resolution
when you seek to make a change,
and call it dissapointment when our goals are in sight
but out of range.
Call it giving up control or going out on a limb.
Call it what you want, but to be clear-
He calls me to call on Him.

AEJ 1/6/2013

Spark

Without haste we waste the time,

Guilty- charged with the crime of negligence,

while hiding behind an aura of self defense-

Defending the pride that we’ve built inside,

I plead the fifth and just roll with the tide.

My mistake, but I won’t admit-

too headstrong to submit,

we find ourselves stretched with one arm reaching out

and a hand opened wide, anxious to receive,

while the other is behind our back,

a fist clenched tightly to what we need, or so we perceive.

“Lose it all for me. Do away with it completely”

and what seems right to us will cause a fuss

when we clearly see that we find our lives when we lay them down.

It’s a backwards notion, in a world of forward motion and rising to the top.

See how we all freak out when a soul kneels down and breaks an alabaster box;

so concerned with the mess, we shout, “Someone grab a mop!”

Do we miss the point? Have we missed the mark?

A fire in the night can light a path. 

All it takes is single spark. 

AEJ 

12/11/2012

Enter His Gates

"Enter His gates...", but what can I bring?
What kind of thanks is fit for a king?
Should I bring a song, originally composed,
Or just sing a few hymns that everyone knows?
When my propensity to bring You praise
is likened to an awkward first date--
making small talk just to kill the silence,
and you can feel the violence
of a sea of empty words and an empty phrase,
would it be enough if I just stand amazed?
When I fumble for the words to attribute to your might,
a simple "Thank you" is on my lips,
and although it seems light,
I'm like a kid preparing a Christmas Wish List--
the list is extensive and long
as I count all the times you've been my strength and my song.


"Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name."
Psalm 100:1-4

"The Lord is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation.

The sound of joyful shouting and salvation is in the tents of the righteous;
The right hand of the Lord does valiantly.

The right hand of the Lord is exalted;
The right hand of the Lord does valiantly.
 I will not die, but live,
And tell of the works of the Lord.
The Lord has disciplined me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.

 Open to me the gates of righteousness;
I shall enter through them, I shall give thanks to the Lord.
This is the gate of the Lord;
The righteous will enter through it.
I shall give thanks to You, for You have answered me,
And You have become my salvation."
Psalm 118:14-21


AEJ 11/19/2012 10:35AM

Not On My Own

Keep going. Time is of the essence

in a world where we chase after the need to prove our own existence.

And I want to, but it just feels like there is nothing left.

I try, but I just come up short of breath.

Living and striving, plagued with the thoughts,

“I can’t do this…on my own.”

It’s the start of surrender.

It’s the heart of the pretender giving up the act.

Finding the irony in the fact

that through submission, there is freedom abounding.

It may look a little different, but it’s truly quite astounding

how walls can come down in this mansion that I built

to hide my shame and guilt, and when my mind begins to change,

 then my actions rearrange to form a better pattern-

one that refuses to be conformed by the things that catch my eye.

And after all I've gained and lost,

the beauty comes when we begin to realize

that in the end, it's so much more than a chasing after the wind.

Keep going.

Living, striving, and counting it all loss

for the sake of the cross.

 

AEJ 3:20pm 10/21/2012

Strength Enough

Strength enough to move the mountains,
the ones that impose and crowd my space.
Strength enough to pull me up out of this pit,
where I lie flat on my face.
Pulling me up, lifting my head to see
that this life has more to offer than the fears and struggles
that have seemingly overtaken me.
Strength enough to overcome a world consumed with itself,
pouring out grace to a people concerned with their status and wealth.
Strength enough to consider my brokeness and teach me to trust in Your plan,
because it's better to take refuge in You than to trust in any man.
Strength enough to keep fighting for me when I seem to just give up and hide,
upholding me with a righteous right hand and drawing me closer to Your side.
Enough of You is my source of strength when times are tough,
And Jesus, You are strength enough.

Out of the overflow..

Out of the overflow of what lies within,
there is goodness and badness.
A conflict of interest, leading to madness,
and then the lies begin.
A simple "you're not good enough", or "you don't matter",
and what you hear takes root; you feel your heart begin to shatter.
Try to hold it together, as you're coming apart,
And now bitterness and envy,
 rage and frustration rise to the surface.
...it's the overflow of the heart.
It's the struggle between the temporary and what will really matter.
If my conversations are derived from what's inside my heart,
am I really making sense,
Or am I just engaged in useless chatter?


AEJ 9/5/2012

In Hindsight

Beyond the endless chatter,

Beyond what seems to matter,

Much further than the here and now

And what should be,

And what simply is not,

There’s a stillness that comes over me, slowing me,

Pausing every “what if”, halting every thought.

Every thought that swirls around,

A collision of the older ones colliding with the illumination of newer thoughts

And the outcomes are brought to light with this new vision of hindsight.

Yet, what does that change?

 If I lose a nickel in the day, how can I find it in the night?

I might crawl on hands and knees, eyes opened wide,

Never seeing the coin in the dark of the night.

Then, the very next day, with the sun shining bright,

I might look in the same place and not be so surprised

To find that same nickel, illuminated,

Reflecting the glow of the sun’s brilliant light.

Oh, but I consider it a joy, in hindsight,

to reflect upon what has brought me here today.

Every struggle, every path, even the ones that led astray,

Have shown me that I must not trust in my own intended plan.

Oh, sweet hindsight, what a teacher you can be!

But, foresight, perfect foresight of God quells the thoughts of any man.

AEJ

7/8/2012

11:38 pm 

Convicted

Forgive my blaming and shaming and lies that overwhelm my bitter, selfish life.

And, help me to rid this colossal utility pole that is protruding from my eye,

 so that I may refrain from pointing fingers and placing accusations

on everyone else’s pain and strife.

Teach me to let you anchor my soul, so that I don’t get lost at sea,

battling tumultuous waves and currents that would surely devour me.

And create in me a heart that desires only your desires for today and for eternity.

Remove my entangling doubt that blinds me from the truth that your word never falters,

So that I may quit bringing gifts and praises to idols and false gods’ alters.

Thank you for your love and patience with me.

Help me to become obedient to your call and from temptations flee.

Amen.

AEJ 1:47PM

10/6//2010

Your Name's Sake

If opportunity is like a canyon,

vast and wide,

why do we walk a tightrope,

fearful of every stride?

If my mind is made new,

Can I really test and approve

What is meant by Your will?

Are you with me still?

Still, I wander away,

so determined to find one answer,

I forget that you say,

"act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with me."

Refocus my eyes and help me to see.

You're in every decision

that I choose to make,

And grant me boldness to do it all,

only for Your name's sake.

AEJ 11/14/2011

Fraudulent Heart

My heart is fraudulent more than anything.

Beyond cure, a hopeless cause,

Yet, I follow it and I let it lead like a prominent king.

An irony that I try, but consistently fail to understand,

When they say “Follow your heart”,

do they account that from the start

my heart beats for my own benefit,

a rhythm of emotion, opinion,

and false claims that leave me ice cold and feeling frostbit?

I must not rely on it.

And, if the overflow of what’s inside will cause my lips to speak,

It makes me wonder if my very words reek

with the rottenness of deceit.

So, may I not follow my heart,

But, instead, the one who made it and gave it a beat.

He searches it and inspects the mind,

Cutting deep to the core and bringing to the light 

any darkness that He will find.

May my character not be defined by any circumstance,

just as the grace poured out was not merely happenstance.

Derived from:

Jeremiah 17:9-10

Matthew 12:34-35

“No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

AEJ 4/6/2012

Keeping a Pace

Fan blades are spinning, spinning,
And she will just lay there and stare,
As thoughts are beginning, beginning to swarm,
Filling a mind with questions of
"Why is life so unfair?"
The light casts shadows, throws them into motion,
A repetitive motion, along the ceiling with every rotation
Of every spinning blade of the fan that stays constant,
Constantly moving, keeping a pace, an unchanging pace.
Eyes, weary from intense focus on all of the motion, and commotion,
Filled with emotion, shift down to the left.
A mirror is there, conveniently, placed on the wall,
And if she keeps her eyes open, she can see her face.
The years have aged her; this she can not deny.
She wants to look closer, but too afraid of identity, she will fail any attempt to try.
After the quickest glance, she will divert her eyes back to the ceiling,
Back to the steady spinning blades of the fan.
What a simple existence,
What a simple task to just continue moving,
Unaltered by any other occurrence.
She lays there still, idle, yet insightful,
And a picture has been painted in her mind,
Removing all other thoughts, except for this clear vision
Of a steadfast endurance.
Her hand is on her heart; she knows that she's alive when she feels the rhythm
Of a heart keeping a beat, a constant pace.
She looks back at the mirror.
She looks back at her face, a face covered by grace.
Who has cut in on her and slowed down her pace,
placing roadblocks to hinder her race?
She refuses to accept any defeat,
And, in fact, she has already won, been redeemed by the Son,
So she can stare in the mirror placed conveniently on the wall
Without shame to embrace who she is in the midst of it all.

AEJ 3/6/2012

Blessed

They say blessings wear disguises,
as if they would rather hide behind tragedies and pain.
We also hear, "Count your many blessings",
as if blessings are all around us,
pouring down from the sky likes drops of rain.
Sometimes, I wonder if, maybe,
we are the ones hidden in disguise,
walking around with stoic faces,
handing out weak embraces,
because, to get too close would set us up
for another fall.
Life is full of them, though.
Time will keep changing,
and just like the seasons,
hard times are bound to come and go.
The trials may be imminent,
and we are faced with many kinds,
but do we see the joy in them,
or are blessings the farthest thing from our minds?
Just like a new year, a fresh start,
may our eyes be more aware
of what we have and what we can share.
With mercies poured out, fresh every morning,
there's no denying that His grace is abounding.
It came without warning,
when my heart felt so full and alive.
Filled with love and redemption and acceptance,
this conclusion is what I could derive:
I am blessed.
Oh, how we are blessed!
May our blessings move us to action, unreservedly.
Oh, what blessings we can be!

AEJ 4:43pm

Twentieth Century American Public Address..... I have been struggling to study for an exam for this class tomorrow. I've had a rather negative attitude about the class. Listening to speeches about taxation and war propaganda just doesn't seem to quite capture my attention much. Although, as I was reading William Jennings Bryan's Acceptance Speech of 1900, I found myself not only inspired by the man's choice of words, but his straightforwardness in not sugar-coating the truth-- the truth of the gospel. Here is an excerpt from the speech.
"The young man upon reaching his majority can do what he pleases. He can disregard the teachings of his parents; he can trample upon all that he has been taught to consider sacred; he can disobey the laws of the State, the laws of society and the laws of God. He can stamp failure on his life and make his very existence a curse to his fellow men, and he can bring his father and mother in sorrow to the grave; but he cannot annul the sentence, "The wages of sin is death."
I think my mind will look for any excuse to not study this historical stuff..... Instead, I am pondering on the darkness and utter lostness of a life that has frequent inclinations to sin, in comparison with a life that may still have a frequent inclination to sin, but also acknowledges the heavy cost of that sin.
As I sit here, putting off studying some more, a JJ Heller song came on Pandora radio. It's called "Small".
Here's part of it:
"broken moldings all around

Broken people hit the ground
When they discover that you’re not here for our benefit
You love in spite of us
You use the least of us to prove the strong aren’t really strong at all."
For every time that I am inclined to sin and actually feel strong in the world's eyes, I pray that I would be shaken to the point of trembling at the massiveness of my Saviour.
Jesus, teach me to not hurt you by disobeying you. Father, help me to cling to Your word each day.
Amen.

So, I set up a blog account in November 2005.
I never used it. I just spent the last 35 minutes trying to recover gmail account passwords and usernames, all in an effort to begin blogging tonight. I hope to stay current with this blog.... But, past experience tells me I might get distracted from documenting every part of my life...
I'll give it a try.
This post won't be long, but it should be.
It snowed today!!! I had to go to work just before the white stuff started coming down, but one hour later- an announcement was made that the campus would be shutting down until tomorrow. This meant that my office would be shutting down too! My boss let me leave a little bit before 4pm. I was thrilled!
I went out and played in the snow with friends, ordered a pizza, watched American Idol (lame), and just hung out for the rest of the evening. I love the snow!! I wish we could have gotten more than we did....
Oh well.... Class at 10 AM.... sleep time.